Interaction and Respect in Marriage - a thoughtful perspective [ATTENTIVENESS], [JUSTICE], [MODERATION], [HELPFULNESS]

This is an excellent and insightful article on applying moral principles in marriage from the cooperative blog Baha'i Perspectives.

Excerpt:

"It’s interesting how often our family members are the people we are most rude and unkind to-because we’re tired at the end of the day when we see them..."

Just because you're married doesn't mean…

nava March 24th, 2009

…you should be overly familiar.

I should probably preface this entry by explaining that I am wholly unqualified to write it as I am not nor have I ever been married. Notwithstanding, family is an area in life that interests me greatly and I have had the good fortune of being raised among the 49% of parents in the West whose marriages do work, and probably the even slimmer percentage of parents whose marriages are happy.

My interest in writing this piece was born of a conversation I had with a good friend of mine the other night revolving around the idea of "easy familiarity". In the Bahá'í Faith, we are discouraged from being overly familiar with others. This can range from something as simple as, don't open someone else's refrigerator and start rummaging through their food without permission, to something like, don't give yourself permission to be overly intimate with another person outside the confines of marriage. But I'd never really thought about this concept of not being easily or overly familiar within a marriage. Clearly, the refrigerator and intimacy examples don't apply among marriage partners. But what about the tone in which you address your spouse?

It's interesting how often our family members are the people we are most rude and unkind to-because we're tired at the end of the day when we see them; because we know them so well and feel so comfortable around them that we don't censor ourselves; because we assume they'll always be there. But if you think about it, these are the people we should show the most kindness to, precisely because we're in it for life. Why not make that the most loving, joyous experience it can be?

It is not easy to live life always being vigilant over what you think and say. But, life isn't meant to be easy. And realistically, things don't work in isolation. If we are truly intent on developing our virtues-kindess, patience, forbearance, forgiveness-what better laboratory than home?

Marriage partners have to be so careful not to give themselves permission to snap at each other, to cross lines they justify crossing with ideas like, "But he's my husband. I should be able to say anything I want around him!" Why? Why should you be allowed to gossip with your husband? Why should you be allowed to say something so critical and harsh, something so hurtful, that you would never dare say to another? Of course, marriage isn't about ignoring each other's flaws. You help each other grow and develop into better people. But that process doesn't happen with snide remarks or dwelling on each other's imperfections, either. You support one another, you uplift one another.

We shouldn't confuse being thoughtful and biting our tongues with being formal. Perhaps formality works among some couples, but that's certainly not what I'm suggesting. It is absolutely possible to be comfortable, to be intimate, to be honest and open with a partner without crushing their spirits in the way you speak to them. And sometimes it is better to simply overlook; to forgive.

As 'Abdu'l-Bahá explains, "their [husband and wife's] purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades and at one with each other for time and eternity…" If they are vigilant over themselves, faithful and true in their actions and kind and respectful in their words, they may experience true marriage, which is "that husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God."

If we regard marriage as an institution whose purpose is, among other things, to add to world unity by starting at the most basic level, and not just as a coming together of two individual beings; if we regard ourselves as partners whose purpose is to strive to ever improve the spiritual life of the other, maybe biting our tongues once in a while, lowering our voices, sweetening our words (genuinely, not condescendingly) will become second nature to us, and marriage won't feel like hard work. Instead, we will experience the following, which we are assured is possible, perhaps inevitable, when we align our behavior with the laws of the All-knowing Lord:

"In this glorious Cause the life of a married couple should resemble the life of the angels in heaven-a life full of joy and spiritual delight, a life of unity and concord, a friendship both mental and physical. The home should be orderly and well-organized. Their ideas and thoughts should be like the rays of the sun of truth and the radiance of the brilliant stars in the heavens. Even as two birds they should warble melodies upon the branches of the tree of fellowship and harmony. They should always be elated with joy and gladness and be a source of happiness to the hearts of others. They should set an example to their fellow-men, manifest a true and sincere love towards each other and educate their children in such a manner as to blazon the fame and glory of their family."

~ 'Abdu'l-Bahá

Whenever we hear superb music, we will forget all inferior music -- [BEAUTY], [LOVE], [ATTENTIVENESS]

A story of and by Abdu'l-Bahá:

Abdul Bahá seated himself in his usual chair by the window. A band of street singers just below struck up noisily. A girl in the flat above was practicing on the piano. Abdul Bahá sat quietly till the noise ceased and still looking out of the window gave the following talk on the celestial music of the spheres:

Last night a Hindu professor of music came to see me. He brought with him a musical instrument called a vina and sang for us certain Oriental verses, accompanying himself on the vina. Overhead, our neighbor was playing the piano, but as soon as the professor began, the piano became silent till the Hindu finished. This teaches us a lesson — whenever we hear superb music we must listen; then we will forget all inferior music. For instance, when a lover of music hearkens once to the entrancing notes of a great master, his love for music will no longer be satisfied by the playing of a pupil. If he listen with equal pleasure to the pupil, it shows a lack of artistic appreciation.

Let us suppose that the most accomplished artist of Paris is playing for us in this room, inspiring the hearts by immortal songs and charming us with celestial harmonies — is it possible that any one of us could leave this room and going through the streets stop to enjoy the crude notes of a hurdy-gurdy?

Today there are many melodies; from every studio divers strains are floated to our ears, but these tunes have become antiquated and covered with the rust of time. For thousands of years the same notes have been heard. They lack their original charm and purity, for the singers have grown old and decrepit and lost their voices. The song of life has lost its virility. From every direction melodies are sounded and we must needs have discriminating ears.

Let us seek the song with the sweetest strains, so that it may be taken up by the angels and carried to the supreme concourse. Let us hearken to the melody which will stir the world of humanity, so that the people may be transformed with joy.

Let us listen to a symphony which will confer life on man; then we can obtain universal results; then we shall receive a new spirit; then shall we become illumined. Let us investigate a song which is above all songs; one which will develop the spirit and produce harmony and exhilaration, unfolding the inner potentialities of life.

Whenever the sun of reality dawns, the lower sphere expresses the virtues of the higher world.

Why does not man harken to the soul-stirring music of the supreme concourse and not run wild with joy over the jarring notes of a street organ!

Strive day and night; perchance these sleeping ones may be awakened by the celestial strains of the city of melody and hear the soft, delicate music which is streaming down from the kingdom of El-Abha.

("Abdu'l-Baha on Divine Philosophy", p. 75-77)

Characteristics of Geniuses

From Forbes.com

Excerpt from 'How To Be A Genius':

Be obsessed with work

Show me a genius and I'll show you a workaholic...
The debate over talent vs. effort is moot: History makes it clear you always need extraordinary effort.

Have emotional or other serious problems

For all their brilliance, most geniuses did not live well-adjusted lives.

...the real lesson is that all emotions, positive or negative, provide fuel for work and geniuses are better at converting their emotions into work than more ordinary people.

Desiring fame in the present may spoil the talents you have. This explains why many young stars have one amazing work but never rise to the same brilliance later: They've lost their own opinions. Perhaps it's best to ignore opinions except from a trusted few and concentrate on the problems you wish to solve.

To focus on learning and creating seems wise. Leave it to the world after you're gone to decide if you were a genius or not.

How To Be A Genius

Scott Berkun, 03.02.09, 06:00 AM EST

Have you got what it takes to be seen as a genius? Do you really want to?

In Pictures: 10 Geniuses And What Made Them Great

Scott Berkun

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Geniuses don't exist in the present. Think of the people you've met: Would you call any of them a genius in the Mozart, Einstein, Shakespeare sense of the word? Even the MacArthur Foundation's "genius" grants don't call their winners geniuses.

We throw the g-word around where it's safe: in reference to dead people. Since there's no one alive who witnessed Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart pee in his kindergarten pants or saw young Pablo Picasso eating crayons, we can call them geniuses in safety, as their humanity has been stripped from our memory.

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Even if you believe geniuses exist, there's little consensus on what being a genius means. Some experts say genius is the capacity for greatness. Others believe it's that you've accomplished great things.

Forget this pointless debate. Chasing definitions never provides what we want: a better understanding of how to appreciate, and possibly become, interesting creative people. Instead let's run through the history of geniuses and pull out some telling patterns.

Have a great, or horrible, family

Picasso, Mozart, Beethoven, Einstein and Goethe are popular geniuses whose parents were interested in their creative lives. Mozart and Beethoven both had fathers who were professional musicians and they were taught by them during childhood to play instruments. Can you guess what Picasso's dad did? Yes, he was a painter, and he spent many hours with young Pablo.

One popular legend surrounding Einstein is that he was obsessed with a compass given to him by his dad. The more potent factor in his development was family friend Max, who taught Einstein science and philosophy. Then, of course, there's Van Gogh. The only healthy relationship he ever had was with his brother Theo.

But lousy families can make geniuses, too.

Beethoven's dad was cruel, torturing him during practice sessions. Unlike many child prodigies who burn out at adolescence, Beethoven kept his passion for music. Leonardo da Vinci barely knew his father.

Isaac Newton was also born to a single-parent home and hated his stepfather. From that broken relationship may have come the seed of unrest that fueled his independent life and ideas.

Be obsessed with work

Show me a genius and I'll show you a workaholic. Van Gogh produced 2,000 works of art between 1880 and 1890 (or 1,100 paintings and 900 sketches). That's four works of art a week for a decade. He didn't even get started until age 25.

Da Vinci's journals represent one clear fact: Work was the center of his life. He had neither a spouse nor children. Picasso was a machine, churning out 12,000 works of art. He said, "Give me a museum and I'll fill it" and made good on that boast. Shakespeare wrote more than 40 plays, plus dozens of sonnets, poems and, of course, grocery lists.

These are people who sacrificed many ordinary pleasures for their work.

The list of lazy geniuses is short. There are burnouts, suicides and unproductive years in retreat--but none could be called slackers. Malcolm Gladwell, in his book Outliers contends that the key to any success is 10,000 hours of practice.

The debate over talent vs. effort is moot: History makes it clear you always need extraordinary effort.

Have emotional or other serious problems

For all their brilliance, most geniuses did not live well-adjusted lives. Picasso, Van Gogh, Edison, Einstein and Nietzsche (and most major modern philosophers) were often miserable. Many never married or married often, abandoned children and fought depression.

Newton and Tesla spent years in isolation by choice and had enough personality disorders to warrant cabinets full of pharmaceuticals today. Michelangelo and da Vinci quit jobs and fled cities to escape debts.

Kafka and Proust were both hypochondriacs, spending years in bed or in hospitals for medical conditions, some of which were psychological. Voltaire, Thoreau and Socrates all lived in exile or poverty, and these conditions contributed to the works they're famous for.

Happily positive emotions can work as fuel, too. John Coltrane, C.S. Lewis and Einstein had deeply held, and mostly positive, spiritual beliefs that fueled their work.

But the real lesson is that all emotions, positive or negative, provide fuel for work and geniuses are better at converting their emotions into work than more ordinary people.

Don't strive for fame in your own lifetime

Most people we now consider geniuses received little publicity in their lifetimes compared with the accolades heaped on them after their deaths. Kafka and Van Gogh died young, poor and with little fame.

Desiring fame in the present may spoil the talents you have. This explains why many young stars have one amazing work but never rise to the same brilliance later: They've lost their own opinions. Perhaps it's best to ignore opinions except from a trusted few and concentrate on the problems you wish to solve.

To focus on learning and creating seems wise. Leave it to the world after you're gone to decide if you were a genius or not. As long as you're free to create in ways that satisfy your passions and a handful of fans, you're doing better than most, including many of the people we call geniuses.

In Pictures: 10 Geniuses And What Made Them Great

Scott Berkun is the best-selling author of the books Making Things Happen and The Myths of Innovation. He has also worked at Microsoft (nasdaq: MSFT - news - people ), taught creative thinking at the University of Washington and runs a popular blog at www.scottberkun.com.

See Also:

Why Kindle Should Be An Open Book

Where Real Innovation Happens

Big Hairy Audacious Work

Poem - Gibran: A world embracing vision and a singular mission [FAITH], [COMPASSION], [EVANESCENCE]

A visionary and heartfelt poem from this heavenly poet, inspiring renewed faith in our common humanity and in our ultimate redemption as a species! - A.

The power of charity sows deep in my heart, and I reap and gather the wheat in bundles and give them to the hungry. My soul gives life to the grapevine and I press its bunches and give the juice to the thirsty. Heaven fills my lamp with oil and I place it at my window to direct the stranger through the dark. I do all these things because I live in them; and if destiny should tie my hands and prevent me from so doing, then death would be my only desire. For I am a poet, and if I cannot give, I shall refuse to receive.

Humanity rages like a tempest, but I sigh in silence for I know the storm must pass away while a sigh goes to God. Human kinds cling to earthly things, but I seek ever to embrace the torch of love so it will purify me by its fire and sear inhumanity from my heart. Substantial things deaden a man without suffering; awakens him with enlivening pains. Humans are divided into different clans and tribes, and belong to countries and towns. But I find myself a stranger to all communities and belong to no settlement. The universe is my country and the human family is my tribe.

-Kahlil Gibran

The good attributes and virtues which are the adornments of man's reality

Then it is clear that the honor and exaltation of man must be something more than material riches. Material comforts are only a branch, but the root of the exaltation of man is the good attributes and virtues which are the adornments of his reality. These are the divine appearances, the heavenly bounties, the sublime emotions, the love and knowledge of God; universal wisdom, intellectual perception, scientific discoveries, justice, equity, truthfulness, benevolence, natural courage and innate fortitude; the respect for rights and the keeping of agreements and covenants; rectitude in all circumstances; serving the truth under all conditions; the sacrifice of one's life for the good of all people; kindness and esteem for all nations; obedience to the teachings of God; service in the Divine Kingdom; the guidance of the people, and the education of the nations and races. This is the prosperity of the human world! This is the exaltation of man in the world! This is eternal life and heavenly honor!

These virtues do not appear from the reality of man except through the power of God and the divine teachings, for they need supernatural power for their manifestation. It may be that in the world of nature a trace of these perfections may appear, but they are unstable and ephemeral; they are like the rays of the sun upon the wall.

As the compassionate God has placed such a wonderful crown upon the head of man, man should strive that its brilliant jewels may become visible in the world.

--'Abdu'l-Baha, Some Answered Questions, pp. 79-80

Available from http://reference.bahai.org/en/t/ab/SAQ/saq-15.html#pg79.

Internet socially integrating humanity

From Forbes.com.

Excerpts:

...communication is the foundation of society, business and government. When you scale up communications, you change the world.

...a key point about the social nervous system: It coordinates (and sometimes directs) physical activity in the world.

It is no coincidence that "transparency" is a catch phrase in government and business these days. It is a natural byproduct of this emerging social nervous system. The social nervous system engenders a healthier balance of power in society and helps to connect our individual actions into a larger context in a clear way.

The social nervous system makes us aware of a broader context of relationship with humanity. My immediate relationships--with my family, my city and state--begin to span the globe.

The Rise Of The Social Nervous System

Joshua-Michele Ross, 03.09.09, 01:40 PM EDT

The Internet now connects humanity into a hive mind. Is that a good thing?

Conference:

Web 2.0 Expo

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Learn From the Experts

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The Future at Work

SEBASTOPOL, Calif.--No corner of modern American life is untouched by technology. And no technology is more transformative than the Internet. The simple reason for this is that the Internet is, at bottom, a communications network, and communication is the foundation of society, business and government. When you scale up communications, you change the world.

There are now at least 1.6 billions of us connected via computer and 3 billion mobile devices that touch the Internet. The rise of "social" technologies--such as wikis, blogs, Twitter, SMS and social networks--means that the barriers to participation across the planet (in terms of the cost, access and skills required) are rapidly approaching zero.

As ever more people get connected, we see an acceleration in the way the Internet is used to coordinate action and render services from human input. We are witnessing the rise of a social nervous system. Consider these three cases:

Emergency Response

The Mumbai attacks showcased the use of Twitter as a real-time, peer-to-peer information service. Throughout the event, people twittered the movement of the attackers. The police were on the service admonishing people not to disclose their own movements. Though there was criticism of whether or not the details were accurate (the BBC was criticized for integrating Twitter into its reporting), the larger point is that this real-time communication system influenced the physical behavior on the ground in Mumbai. This is a key point about the social nervous system: It coordinates (and sometimes directs) physical activity in the world.

Coordinating Political Action

The Obama campaign's Houdini project on election day used real-time data from polling stations to adjust its "get out the vote" program. As one participant noted, poll observers "took the real-time results of who actually showed up at the polls and fed it back to the campaign so that they could adjust their GOTV calls and canvassing as the day wore on. Every time someone came in to vote, their names were entered into a computer system, and their names disappeared or escaped, Houdini-like, from the call and walk lists."

Global Virus Forecasting

As millions of users search for health information, Google (nasdaq: GOOG - news - people ) uses the aggregate of these searches to estimate flu activity even in very localized regions. This information has been shown to estimate flu activity two weeks earlier (a life-age for influenza) than the CDC forecast methods.

Watch the news, and you will see daily evidence of how a system that connects billions of people is influencing the physical world--from recent protests in California against Proposition 8 organized by Facebook to the riots in my hometown of Oakland after several witnesses uploaded video taken from their mobile phones of a police shooting. New services such as Qik are now bringing live mobile camera feeds online (think Webcams for mobile phones). That will make what happened in Oakland a small foretaste of what is likely to come. I used Twitter during the Oakland riot to stay updated on local transit outages and plot a new route home from work.

It is easy to confuse this concept with the emerging field of machine learning such as the smart energy grid, traffic control using the sensor Web or the Planetary Skin Initiative recently announced by Nasa and Cisco (nasdaq: CSCO - news - people ). Machine optimization is useful but hardly social: Human beings do not contribute the data, share it or act upon it. And the implications of a social nervous system are far more profound than simply a "smart" grid.

The social nervous system makes us aware of a broader context of relationship with humanity. My immediate relationships--with my family, my city and state--begin to span the globe. We can leverage the ubiquity of communications to coordinate real world activity--and just about anyone can do it. Even a kid with a mobile phone can capture a revolution.

Using a social nervous system, we are finding solutions to some big problems such as controlling disease or responding to emergencies. Most important, we are creating a feedback mechanism that exposes the actions of a powerful few to the many--and the trivial day-to-day life of the many to the whole of humanity.

It is no coincidence that "transparency" is a catch phrase in government and business these days. It is a natural byproduct of this emerging social nervous system. The social nervous system engenders a healthier balance of power in society and helps to connect our individual actions into a larger context in a clear way.

Another outcome of the social nervous system is that we see the shift away from privacy as an inalienable right to an individual responsibility. In a social nervous system there will be increasing pressure to be connected 24/7 to the hive mind that is Facebook, Twitter and so on. Those who do not connect, share and collaborate will have a hard time in business and in social life.

Older generations expect that digital natives will one day wish to erase all their indiscreet photos online. But I don't believe this nonstop exposure will go away as the digital natives mature. Our lives are increasingly being logged on the Internet. It is part of the trade. Given the complexity and precarious position of the modern world, getting people to genuinely reach out and touch their neighbors is a good thing but it will come at the price of reshaping our identities as part of a larger, interconnected whole.

As vice president with O'Reilly Radar, Joshua-Michéle Ross runs O'Reilly Media's consulting practice, helping clients apply Web 2.0 principles. He is also working on a video series, "The Future at Work." E-mail him at joshua.ross@oreilly.com.

See Also:

How To Be A Genius

Where Real Innovation Happens

Big Hairy Audacious Work

Applied Wisdom in Project Managment [UNITY], [RESPECT], [COOPERATION], [DECISIVENESS], [WISDOM]

This is from Scott Berkun's excellent blog - scottberkun.com. His observations can be generalized to so many situations in life!

Focus quotation:

"No man can attain his true station except through his justice. No power can exist except through unity. No welfare and no well-being can be attained except through consultation."
- Bahá'u'lláh, quoted in The Prosperity of Mankind, p. 8

Excerpt:

As a program manager (glorified title for project manager), all of my power actually came from the programmers. I only had a job because of the programmers. No programmers means no code, no product, no revenue. End of story.  My power was an extension of theirs. I had to treat them with respect and go out of my way to earn their trust over time.

This meant first and foremost I had to earn their respect. Help them make decisions. Bulldoze organizational road blocks out of their way. Prove I was smart, that I could help them make tough decisions, and could make the product much better even though I couldn't write code as well as they could. And only after establishing that value could I be a team leader and be of true use to the project.

The Berkun Blog

Management and creative thinking

How project managers establish power

March 12th, 2009

I remember the day I started working as a program manager on the Internet explorer team. On my second day, Joe Belfiore, my boss, came to my office, closed the door, and told me two things:

1. Your relationship with programmers is everything
2. There are only two teams at Microsoft to care about, Windows and Office.

Forget for a moment these specific points. Joe did the most important thing in the world as a boss. He gave me clear priorities. Even if they were wrong, from day one (ok, it was day two) he imparted his private view of how to succeed and how to make sense of things. It was amazingly empowering. I could slice through all of the work being thrown at me from across the team and the company, and divide into two neat piles: a) things to care about, b) things not to care about. Joe was a great boss and provided this kind of clarity all the time.

It turns out both bits of advice were right.

Your relationship with programmers is everything

As a program manager (glorified title for project manager), all of my power actually came from the programmers. I only had a job because of the programmers. No programmers means no code, no product, no revenue. End of story.  My power was an extension of theirs. I had to treat them with respect and go out of my way to earn their trust over time.

This meant first and foremost I had to earn their respect. Help them make decisions. Bulldoze organizational road blocks out of their way. Prove I was smart, that I could help them make tough decisions, and could make the product much better even though I couldn't write code as well as they could. And only after establishing that value could I be a team leader and be of true use to the project. With programmers as allies, working with marketers, testers, executives, or leaders of other teams, became easier, and my role as a team leader became possible.

When I visit companies or talk to people, and they tell me they rarely talk to the programmers, a red flashing light goes off in my head. How on earth do you have any power? I wonder. You don't know the people who actually make the thing you are managing! You have no idea if they believe in what they are doing or not, or if they have better ideas than yours.  Something critical is broken if project managers don't have collaborative and trusting relationships with programmers.  If there is a problem between PMs and programmers, it's the PMs job to fix it. Odds are they're better at communication, conflict resolution and have more perspective, all of the key skills for resolving differences and building relationships.  Put another way: if you're a PM and your team hates you, what else do you have? Your relationship with your team is everything.

There are only two teams at Microsoft to care about, Windows and Office.

Back in 1995 when Joe gave me this advice, it was true. There were only two groups at Microsoft that were successful and brining in sizable revenue.  The problem was working on Internet Explorer during the browser wars, every one of the 100 teams in the company wanted something from me, and every other PM on the team. They wanted us to add features to help promote their work, code changes to fix bugs that bothered them, etc. There was a huge pile of people who wanted to influence the work I managed. My phone rang all the time and my inbox was always full. If I treated everyone equally I'd be doomed. Couldn't be done. I had to ignore, or say no to, most of the people who wanted something from me. With Joe's advice I had a rough guide for sorting it out. Tons of exceptions of course, but the baseline advice was right and useful.

Good managers give these little bits of power insight all the time. Dividing up the complex, stressful working world of projects into two piles.  A project manager derives his power from this kind of clarity, especially if he can articuate it to others like Joe did to me.